As you all know we are expecting our fourth bundle in May. I'm already trying to think ahead and prepare to have family here while I'm giving birth. I'm thinking about breastfeeding or not, cloth diapering or not (we've finally decided yes on this one) weather to get another baby carrier for Isaiah or the new baby, and many, many, more things. Some which I consider super important, and some I know I have plenty of time to think about.
17wks 3dys
You all know I'm a big supporter of breastfeeding, but to be completely honest, I'm ready to have my body back. I'm ready to kick my own butt in working out, and breastfeeding can hinder that. Knowing that Elijah is old enough to help feed the baby or daddy can feed the baby makes me feel better. I also know that Matthew will be glad to feed the baby while I work out or have a little of my own time. Elijah was formula fed, and he's so smart, and such a good boy, when he wants to be. Now, with that being said, I will nurse and breastfeed to begin with, but probably not fully. I need to make sure myself is taken care of, along with baby. You can think I'm being selfish if you want, but honestly I'm looking out for my wellbeing along with my baby's.
I know that I'll probably have to start anti-anxiety meds as soon as this baby is out. I always have anxiety problems after a baby, sometimes even depression issues. This pregnancy I've already faced some depression issues, that at my next appointment I will be speaking to my doctor about. It's bad enough that I can't feel the baby move, more than likely due to an anterior placenta, I'll know more about that on Tuesday. I feel so tired all the time, which makes me feel like I'm being a bad mom to the boys I already have. They want to play, or go outside, and I just don't have the energy. I don't cook enough for my family because it literally exhausts me. I'm being on folding laundry, I'm behind on posting pictures of my own kids, I've stopped taking nearly as many actual pictures of my kids, and it all makes me sad. I feel like I've let my family down this pregnancy, which just puts me in a depressive mode. It's also dawned on me finally, that this baby could be a boy. Which, I think I've dwelled upon enough. But, the first time it hit me was an ultrasound I had at 14 weeks, the tech said the cord was smack between the legs, and the baby kept the legs closed as tight as possible, she tried moving the cord, and tried getting baby to open up, but couldn't. For some reason it finally dawned upon me that this could be a boy. A BOY!!!! You're meaning to tell me I could have four boys? For some reason, when I found out I was pregnant, it never crossed my mind, but we all know it's a 50/50 chance. It's also whatever God decides for us to have. I came home and it hit me hard. Probably because my best friend found out the same day she was having a girl. I came home and cried so much, and so hard. I didn't eat dinner, I wouldn't talk to Matthew, I was angry, at just the possibility of that happening. I started to question God, without even knowing for sure. So, this afternoon Matthew and I were putting up a Christmas tree, that we were blessed with, and I asked him his thoughts. And he told me, (I'm summing it up for yall...) It doesn't matter what that baby is, the gender has been decided since conception, over 17 weeks ago. Weather girl or boy, this baby is what God wants us to have. Do I want a daughter? Yes! Did I ever think I'd have 4 kids? No, I never thought I'd have two or three either, but I do, and I love them. I wouldn't trade them for a daughter at any point. The thought of a daughter excites me, yet scares me. All I have is boys, yeah you're a female, you kinda know what to do with a girl, but me? I don't. Do I still want a daughter, yes! It is also okay to be upset with not getting the gender you long to have. Look at the ladies in the bible. Those who wanted a baby and shook their fist at God, being upset with him for not giving them the baby they longed for. Look at the lady (he couldn't think of her name, it was either Leah or Rebecca) that longed for a son, and had daughters, we're kinda like her, but the opposite issue. When God wants us to have a daughter we will have her, if it's meant to be. We just have to keep praying and seeking his will. After hearing my husband say such things, eased some of the issues I had, but I wont lie, I long to have a daughter of my own, once again, call me selfish if you'd like, but it's something I want, and always have longed for. I don't think having four boys is going to change me wanting a daughter.
One thing I want to cover in this intro is a question that always bothers me. "Will you have more if this one is another boy?" or "Will you stop if this one is a girl?" I get that my husband doesn't make much money. I get that it takes money to raise children. I get that some people go on family vacations, and some don't. Some people buy name brands, some don't. Some people go and spend hundreds of dollars on Christmas and some don't. I also get that some families are in debt, and some aren't. I get all of this, I don't think everyone thinks about what other families do or don't do. Matthew doesn't know if he'll stay in the military, we were just talking about it earlier and we both don't feel like going guard in the summer like we were thinking is the best thing to do. We can't ever seem to agree to move, although we don't like being this far away from family, we don't feel like the work that God is doing in us here, is done. Will Matthew make staff? We have no clue, I will push for him to study and go somewhere alone to study. Will we get orders if he makes staff? We don't know. But things I do know are.... I will not be getting birth control after this one is born, weather boy or girl. Matthew will not be getting fixed until we decide our family is complete, and if I get pregnant a few months, or a few years after this one is born, well, his response is "It happens" It made me laugh. Do I love raising kids? It's not easy, but I learn something new after each and every one. If I cared what other people thought about us having kids, we would have stopped after Gabriel. Matthew was still and A1C for a few months after Gabriel was born, and once he got SrA he's been that for almost three years. We are in debt, but we are working that out, and once we get out, we will not get back in, so if that means we wont be going back home for a few years, until we can save up for it, then so be it. Let me get back on topic, if this a girl, will we stop? Only if we feel our family is complete, and ONLY, which means it might take time for us to feel it's complete, or we might know right away. I just know right now, it doesn't feel complete.
I look up to my friend here on base, who has five kids, and number six on the way- ages are 8,6,4,3 and 18 months. She has two in school! She has three at home, all the time. Her husband is only staff. They have a 12 passenger van. I've come to learn a few things from her. She doesn't work, she's not in school. They live off of his paycheck and his alone. I've had someone tell me personally "Only a Tech can support two kids and live comfortably" I call BULL CRAP. Maybe if you want to go to Disney once a year, and buy nothing but name brand, and do no hand-me-downs, also eat out, or buy super expensive foods. I know how to cook and make it last for a few days! haha! Anyways, We wont know these answers until this baby is born, is my point. Something could happen during pregnancy, something can happen during labor to prevent me from having more. Who knows? Only God knows.
So, I guess all I'm asking is please just give your support, and love and be encouraging. If I find out this one is a boy, I'm going to need all of yall to lift me up, and keep me going. If I find out this one is a girl, I'm going to need help holding my husband back from buying all the things he will want to buy. Just check on me, see how I'm doing. That's all I really ask.
